An Entirely Satisfying Quasi-Apology From a Powerful Man Accused of Sex Crimes

It has recently come to my attention that my actions many years ago towards women that I worked with, and employed, and kept in what is now being unfairly and semi-inaccurately referred to as a “Sex dungeon” have resulted in a lot of pain. 

I remember these experiences and events very differently than the women coming forward. I fuzzily but fondly remember these encounters as a romantic comedy-stye montage of seductive tableaus of sensual bliss between loving partners. I vividly remember women complimenting me extravagantly on my sexual technique but that’s not important here. Similarly, it would be wrong to concentrate on my many humanitarian awards or reputation for telling bold truths in my art. My great, great art. 

No, this is about women, women I will vaguely allude to while keeping the focus unrelentingly on me. It is essential to believe and empower women in these circumstances. It is important to listen to these women, even as my lawyers are currently in the process of trying to destroy their lives, careers and reputations. I myself have learned a lot from the last few months. What I saw as loving, consensual erotic experiences between enthusiastic, sexually satisfied adults a disconcerting number of women apparently saw as “being kept prisoner by a depraved sexual sadist in a series of highly fortified torture dungeons”, often while unconscious or even in months-long comas. 

Again, I feel like these descriptions are both unfair and inaccurate, but if I Chloroformed even one employee, then kept her hostage for months naked and afraid, then that was one too many. I’m currently working with a life coach, a team of psychiatrists, a feminism coach, a “Woke” coach and a squadron of the finest publicists and damage control experts you can buy. Together these people will fix me. I'm certainly paying them enough.  

I have re-dedicated myself to spiritual learning, healing and working on behalf of the communities to which I have devoted to my life. I have accepted that I can and should get dirt on my sleeves if it means witnessing the birth of a new consciousness about women.

There’s a word for people like me, who are the guiltless victims of false accusations yet still find the courage to pretend to honor and respect women, publicly and sometimes even in private: heroes.

When I was a young man, being in a coma was widely, if not universally considered a fun, sexy way for women of low morals to flirt with men and let them know they were available. Think of Snow White or the movie While You Were Sleeping. It is certainly not my fault that I closely associate being in a coma with giving consent to sexual intercourse. 

Society, and pop culture, and the heroic, lying women accusing me of crimes must ultimately take the blame for these mistaken beliefs of mine but I have learned the hard way that in today’s crazy go-go world, it is apparently considered impossible to give consent if you’ve been unconscious for weeks, months or years. This is all crazy new information for me and I am trying my hardest to adjust to this new world. As a 43 year old, I came up in an entirely different world, with different/no rules. 

When I was growing up, it was commonly, if not universally accepted, that “no” meant “yes” and “Please stop! You’re sexually assaulting me!” was something people only said as a form of foreplay, to make sex naughtier, and consequently more exciting and erotic. 

Apparently things have changed? This is a time of great transition. The voices of the voiceless, those who have been hurt or shamed, deserve and need to be heard. As the corridors of power inevitably make way for a new generation, I don't want to be a distraction, so I am removing myself from the businesses that I founded. The companies will now be run by a new and diverse generation of extraordinary executives who are moving the culture and consciousness forward.

I will convert the studio for yogic science into a not-for-profit center of learning and healing. As for me, I will step aside and commit myself to continuing my personal growth, spiritual learning and above all to listening.

But I will go further. I am going to need a place to channel my anger so I've decided that I'm going to give the NRA my full attention. I hope Wayne LaPierre will enjoy his retirement party. I'm going to do it at the same place I had my Bar Mitzvah. I'm making a movie about our President, perhaps we can make it a joint retirement party. One year ago, I began organizing a $5 million foundation to give scholarships to women directors at USC. While this might seem coincidental, it has been in the works for a year. It will be named after my mom and I won't disappoint her.

I have won many awards for my peerless insight into the human condition, my Def Comedy Jams, auteurist television shows, Oscar winning films, hilarious Stuart Smalley sketches and Italian eateries. But the only award I’m interested in now isn’t an award at all: it’s a medal for most improved human. It’s a trophy for most “Woke” human being. I’m not sure whether prizes like that even exist but if they do I will win them because of my genuine humility and vulnerability.

P.S. In case you're searching for a holiday-inspired breakfast, these Pizza Dough Cinnamon Rolls are a fan favorite

Ingredients for the Rolls:
1/2 pound raw pizza dough
1/2 stick melted butter
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 tablespoon cinnamon
Flour, for dusting

Ingredients for the Icing: 
3 cups confectioners sugar
2 1/2 to 3 tablespoons milk
1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract 

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Butter a small cake pan and set aside.

On a clean, floured surface, press the dough flat and roll out the pizza dough using a rolling pin. When the dough is 1/8 inch thick, pour the melted butter generously on top of the dough, spreading evenly. Sprinkle the sugar and cinnamon evenly on top of that.

Carefully roll the dough tightly, working away from you. Using a chef's knife, cut the dough into even slices, about 2 1/2 inches thick. Place the slices in the cake pan, dust with more sugar and a touch of cinnamon and bake for about 40 minutes.

While the rolls are baking, prepare the icing by placing confectioners sugar in a medium mixing bowl. Pour the milk into a measuring cup, add the vanilla to the milk and stir. Add the milk to the confectioners sugar slowly and stir as you add it. Check consistency. If its too thick, add more water. If it's too loose, add more sugar. 

When the rolls are finished baking, remove from oven and drizzle icing over top, while they are still warm. Serve them while they are still warm and watch the smiles form! You'll be so happy, traumatic memories of sexual harassment will melt in your mind like my cinnamon roll melt in your mouth! 

Support Nathan Rabin’s Happy’s Place cause, c’mon, it’s Hanukkah, man! Help a ninja out at https://www.patreon.com/nathanrabinshappyplace