Rumble, Young Man, Rumble: I'm Rerunning This Piece on Money Plane Because I Can!
Bad movies are my life. I am all about the joy of trash. So I experienced a surge of child-like joy upon learning of the existence of 2020’s Money Plane, a Snakes on a Plane/Con Air pastiche about the heist of a glamorous flying Casino where the world’s most deadly criminals bet on anything and everything, the more twisted and violent the better.
Money Plane is a vehicle for WWE superstar Adam Copeland, who wrestles as Edge. Edge’s finishing move is, perversely but appropriately enough, a non-finishing move; he goes in for the kill, getting all hot and bothered and ready to bust, only to deliberately withhold release at the very last moment. As Edge, Copeland had a Hall of Fame career as a professional wrestler by always leaving audiences wanting more, perpetually coming THIS CLOSE to giving them ultimate pleasure before famously holding back.
Alas, the randy yet dry double entendre of Edge’s professional moniker is probably the most interesting thing about him.
When it comes to making movies, Copeland is like a modern-day Hulk Hogan: a towering blonde beefcake who is a total stiff onscreen, a muscle-bound charisma void whose personality fails to translate cinematically.
Like Hogan in No Holds Barred, Copeland is upstaged at every turn by the gleeful ham playing his mustache-twirling, larger-than-life, cartoonishly evil arch-nemesis.
No Holds Barred was stolen by its monster heels, Kurt Fuller as an evil television executive, and Tommy “Tiny” Lister Jr. as blood-thirsty maniac Zeus.
Money Plane similarly works best as a vehicle for the outrageous over-acting of a slumming Kelsey Grammer, who devours scenery while stubbornly remaining seated as the greedy son of a bitch who forces Jack Reese, Copeland’s kind-hearted professional thief, into robbing the money plane for him.
Do you know how you can tell that this is going to be a great role for Grammer? Because his character’s name is Darius Emmanuel Grouch III.
Darius Emmanuel Grouch III! How awesome is that? How can Kelsey Grammer, playing a bad guy named Darius Emmanuel Grouch III in a movie called Money Plane, possibly be anything other than obscene amounts of stupid, stupid fun?
Do you know how else you can tell that Grammer’s role here is going to be next-level bonkers? Because somehow playing a cigar-smoking, money-plane-robbing bad guy named Darius Emmanuel Grouch III wasn’t enough for the movie, so they gave him the badass nickname “The Rumble.”
Amazingly, that is STILL not enough color for one character, so Grammer’s bad guy, Darius Emmanuel Grouch III, AKA The Rumble, insists on a second outrageous nickname: “The Colonel,” which is how he demands Copeland’s character address him during the actual money plane heist.
Introduced lighting a cigarette villainously, The Rumble introduces himself and his many names and nicknames before monologuing on the modern art scene and, more specifically, the painting that he sent Jack to steal unsuccessfully, “Warhol, De Kooning, Pollock: a bunch of bitches. How about I blow your brains out and call you my own damn Pollock? Now, Asgard Yorn, The Disturbing Duckling, THAT’s modern art!”
The Rumble sent Jack to steal the Disturbing Duckling, but he failed. In order to avoid having his family murdered, Jack must now take down the money plane. “Some of the baddest motherfuckers on the planet are on that plane, all craving action” The Rumble, AKA Mr. Grouch III, AKA The Colonel insists of his prey.
What kind of bad motherfuckers? “Whatever you want to wager on, the money plane has you covered. You wanna bet on a dude fucking an alligator? (You can do so on the) money plane!” The Rumble insists.
This raises some questions. Can you bet on whether or not a dude will fuck an alligator on the money plane? Or is the alligator-fucking itself a game that you can bet on? Or is he saying that you can bet on a guy fucking an alligator doing other things, like winning at Poker or Russian Roulette?
The Rumble never specifies exactly what kind of alligator-fucking related bets you can place on the money plane, but that ultimately is not what’s important. What’s important is that there are over a billion dollars in cryptocurrency on board the money plane and millions more in cold hard cash, and it falls upon Jack and his crew to infiltrate this notorious flying casino for the purposes of robbing it of its ill-gotten riches.
The Cowboy, AKA Matthew Lawrence, AKA the director’s brother
A half-assed hero like Jack deserves an equally half-assed crew, so our lummox-like hero is assisted by the generic likes of Isabella Voltaic (Katrina Norman), a no-nonsense, ass-kicking femme fatale who goes undercover onboard the money plane as a sexy stewardess, black guy Trey Peterson (Patrick Lamont Jr.), who usually handles tech stuff but goes onboard with Jack and finally Iggy, the ostensible comic relief man on the ground who is bummed because he doesn’t get to experience the action firsthand.
Andrew Lawrence, who also directed, plays Iggy. As a filmmaker, Lawrence’s primary concern seems to be getting everything shot as cheaply and quickly as possible and scoring roles for himself and his brothers.
Joey Lawrence of Blossom and “whoa” fame plays “The Concierge”, the silky-smooth operator who runs the money plane while Andrew Lawrence sports a cowboy hat and bolo tie as “The Cowboy”, a country-fried hillbilly with money who meets his demise playing Russian Roulette after ironically bragging, “Gimme dat gun! I CAIN’T lose!”
the Lawrences as kids
Famous last words indeed.
Money Plane has Con Air ambitions but the budget of a Snakes on a Plane XXX knock-off. Alternately it plays like a tacky Con Air costume party that was just barely turned into a movie. Most of the film’s modest budget seems to have gone towards securing Grammer’s services for a day and a half of filming, so the titular “plane” seems to consist of three or four anonymous rooms and a planeful of the world’s most dangerous and deadly criminals has been downgraded to Jack and his squad squaring off against five or six cartoonish creeps mostly drawn from the world of arms dealing.
Jack is a professional criminal and a former gambler who goes undercover as one of the world’s top human traffickers, but don’t worry: there is not an ounce of moral ambiguity to be found in Money Plane. The bad guys are crude caricatures of bad dudes, and the good guys are never anything but pure-hearted and noble despite all being professional criminals. The only bad thing about Jack is his inexplicable man-bun and facial hair situation.
Jack is supposed to cut a 007-on-steroids figure in a flying casino where everything is allowed and encouraged, no matter how illegal or unethical. Instead, he makes formal wear look as dumpy and unflattering as sweatpants and a “Hulkamania” tank top.
It’s obvious from the start that The Rumble is up to no good. Literally, everything about him broadcasts his untrustworthiness, yet Jack nevertheless goes along with his scheme before discovering that maybe The Rumble isn’t being entirely honest with him after all.
Like Kurt Fuller in No Holds Barred, The Rumble gets an exit commensurate with the role’s tacky majesty. After Jack turns on him, The Colonel insists, “I’m the baddest motherfucker on the planet. I am Darius Grouch III, The Rumble, and I am taking down the money plane!”
With men in black closing in on him, The Rumble kills his associate P-Nut, picks up a machine gun, and begins firing wildly while screaming, “Rumble Time!” And finally, “Yahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!”
Money Plane plays like an Asylum knock-off of itself, all cut corners, c-list star-power and vulgar, tacky Z-movie energy. But Grammer’s performance is pure gold. It alone justifies Money Plane’s 82 minute runtime.
Copeland may not have a future as a movie star any more than Hulk Hogan does but Grammer’s insanely over-the-top performance is the perfect illustration of what makes him a wonderful character actor as well as a thoroughly ridiculous human being.
Failure, Fiasco or Secret Success: Fiasco
Nathan needs teeth that work, and his dental plan doesn't cover them, so he started a GoFundMe at https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-nathans-journey-to-dental-implants. Give if you can!
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