The Mistress of Quilts
Copyright means nothing to Quilt Lady!
If you’re anything like me your Facebook feed is full of bizarrely similar ads selling pop culture quilts of varying levels of tackiness all featuring the exact same model smiling blandly while proudly showing off a quilt reflecting what we’re supposed to believe is one of her many outsized passions.
This pitch-woman, who I have taken to calling The Quilt Lady, does not just represent a single quilt manufacturer. In my research I have discovered that The Quilt Lady represents myriad quilt-makers. She’s the Fabio or Cindy Crawford of the curious field of online quilt modeling, which is not quite as glamorous or as high-paying as more prestigious forms of modeling like being a Victoria’s Secret girl or Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.
Who the hell is the Quilt Lady? Where did she come from? Where did she acquire her love for modeling quilts? Is the Quilt Lady supposed to be an insanely prolific creator of quilts or is she instead a super-fan of everything on all of the quilts she’s holding up for all the world to see?
#TwoThings
The Quilt Lady’s vibe is aggressively boring and basic. She fades purposefully into the background in a way that never threatens to upstage the quilt she’s photo-shopped holding up. To me at least she’s fascinating in her blandness, an All-American cipher we can project our hopes and dreams and fantasies upon.
Who is the Quilt Lady, beyond a blonde white woman holding up a quilt on the porch of a modest home, on what looks to be a boring, average suburban street? She’s whoever we want her to be, up to, and including, a grumpy yet proud Navy veteran or a proud black nurse.
In my online rambles I discovered a whole lot of quilts that pair naturally, even perfectly with the coltish, intensely Caucasian wholesomeness of the Quilt Lady. It’s very easy to imagine, for example, The Quilt Lady legitimately owning at least one quilt attesting to her deep love of the television show Friends.
Other quilts are hilariously inappropriate. My favorite is a quilt whose central image is of Popeye accompanied by the words “I Never Dreamed That One Day Become a Grumpy Old Navy Veteran But Here I Am Killing It” alongside squares reading “I’m a Proud Navy Papa” and “A Navy Legend Has Retired.”
It’s nearly as ridiculous a vessel for the Quilt Lady’s modeling skills as an even more hilariously inappropriate ad where she’s holding up a quilt reading “She’s Black, She’s a Queen, She’s a Nurse Living Her Best Life.”
Uh…
I don’t what kind of Rachel Dolezal motherfuckery is going on but when I look at the Quilt Lady I see someone who maybe teaches or maybe is in a sorority, and maybe rides horses for fun, not a grizzled Navy veteran or a proud, confident African-American nurse.
The Quilt Lady models a LOT of quilts devoted to dogs and Christmas and Jesus. It fits her brand. But part of the reason I became obsessed with this Mistress of Quilts is because she sometimes holds up quilts expressing passions it’s difficult, if not impossible, to believe she actually shares.
I was gob-smacked, for example, to discover during my Facebook rambles one day that she is apparently Down with the Clown and a real-ass Juggalo, if the Insane Clown Posse-themed quilt she was advertising at the time was any indication. Somehow I can’t imagine running into the Quilt Lady at the Gathering in full make-up, although I probably wouldn’t recognize her unless she was holding up a tacky quilt.
I love that Shaggs signed his named as both Shaggy 2 Dope and Rachel McAdams
I, however, am not immune to the Quilt Lady’s potent goyish charms. I recently bought a quilt she was advertising devoted to an artist I’m sure is near and dear to her heart: MF DOOM.
True, I bought the quilt primarily to encourage my five year old son Declan’s love of MF DOOM and Czarface but I would understand if the Quilt Lady falls in love with me in appreciation of my excellent taste in quilts. Quilting is obviously a matter near and dear to this unknown icon’s heart; I like to think she puts a whole lot of herself into every quilt she makes because I am completely insane: crazy for quilts, that is, and the unknown icon who completely dominates the weird field of quilt-modeling.
Help ensure a future for the Happy Place by pledging over at https://www.patreon.com/nathanrabinshappyplace Not gonna lie: we’re way down for the month and anything would be wildly appreciated.
And I would totally buy a quilt with this dude’s albums on it, so I hope you’ll pre-order a book about his life’s work over at https://make-the-weird-accordion-to-al-book-a-ridiculous-r.backerkit.com/hosted_preorders