Just Tell Me Who I Need to Knock the Fuck Out In Order To Succeed in the Coloring Book Game!

Though I have written unkindly about it fairly recently, my favorite movie of all time is Bob Odenkirk’s timeless masterpiece Let’s Go to Prison. 

To me, Let’s Go to Prison isn’t just arguably the most entertaining piece of art ever created, it’s also the most edifying. I didn’t just learn something from sacred texts like Let’s Go to Prison: I learned everything from them. 

Mostly what I learned is that in order to live life to the fullest and be your truest, most authentic and best self, you need to act as if you’re in prison. And not just any prison, mind you. 

I’m not talking about one of those fancy prisons for white collar criminals where you get your testicles massaged every half hour and the “guards” are actually more like servants. 

No, the prisons that I’m talking about are the kind you’re lucky to survive with your sanity intact. 

That’s why I always eat with my back to the wall so that some sick motherfucker can’t sneak up behind me and shank me in the spine because he thinks I drank his toilet wine without asking. 

I’m on high alert at all times, even while asleep. That’s why I always sleep with a knife by my side so that I am prepared in case someone tries to stab me while I’m slumbering. 

People often tell me that I act like I just left prison or am still in prison. I take that as a compliment. 

But the most important life lesson I learned at Slammer University is that whenever you enter a new situation, you must identify the top figure and then knock them the fuck out to establish dominance. 

That’s how I handled things in high school. And college. When I became a panelist on the movie review panel show Movie Club with John Ridley in 2004 I identified the top person on television at the time—The Tonight Show host Jay Leno—and knocked him the fuck out. 

One punch and the denim and classic car enthusiast was on the floor howling in pain and bleeding from every orifice. My bold, pro-active act of aggression didn’t keep the show on the air beyond fifteen episodes, thirteen of which I was on, but Leno never fucked with me after that. 

It was the same thing with Scribner. I intuitively sensed that Stephen King was their top author so I hitch-hiked to his home and when he opened the front door I hit him so hard that he actually died. 

He LITERALLY died. I murdered him with my fists to send the message that I am not to be trifled with if you want to live. 

Now I am in a new arena—wholesome, family-friendly coloring books for children and adults alike—so you know what that means. I need to locate the top figure in the coloring book world and treat him to a knuckle sandwich he’ll never forget. 

I’m a newbie to the children’s coloring book game so I was hoping you could help me by letting me know who the dominant figure in the field is , where they live and how I can best intimidate them into leaving me alone permanently. 

I won’t necessarily punch this person in the face but I will find a way to hurt them, whether that means burning down their house or doxxing and swatting their families. 

There’s only room at the top of the coloring book game for one person and to paraphrase the words of N*Sync, it’s gonna be me.

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