"Woke" Radicals Have Turned Disney World into the UNhappiest Place on Earth!

Since I was a little boy, I have made yearly pilgrimages to Disney World. It’s a sacred ritual for me and my family. My favorite part about visiting the legendary theme park with my wife and two children, Timmy and Biff, is that out of deference to my fragile ego, nothing in it ever changes. I loved that time and progress affect everything in the universe except for Disney World, which would be exactly the way I always remembered it until my dying day and then for all of eternity. 

I’d heard ominous rumors of “change” at the behest of the Woke Thought Police who control our culture and cancel anyone who dares displease them, but I assumed that talk of the theme park becoming a bastion of Leftist subversion were, at the very least, exaggerated. 

I was wrong! Oh good lord, was I ever wrong! The first sign that something had changed very dramatically came when every ride began with a stern admonition that everyone onboard needed to “check their privilege.”

I barely know what that means! My wife and children were completely baffled. But the worst was yet to come. We were told that, as a form of reparations, families of color would get to enjoy all of the park’s attractions and food for free while white families were chained together and forced into what were called “Learning Dungeons” under the park for “Re-Education.” 

As part of our “re-education”, my traumatized little boy Biff was forced to apologize to someone in a Goofy costume for slavery, Jim Crow and the role that he himself played in perpetuating racism on both an individual and institutional level. 

Biff is four years old! He still thinks superheroes and Santa Claus are real! He was understandably confused as to why Goofy was demanding he apologize on behalf of humanity and all white people for racism until “Goofy” took off the head of his costume and explained that he was actually a 75 year old black man who had spent most of his life in prison for a crime that he didn’t commit. 

Then he started crying. For a good ten minutes he sat and wept quietly. It was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of my entire life. 

I have gone out of my way to teach my children to be good people who judge others not by the color of their skin but rather by the content of their character. 

So you can imagine how upset I was when more than one Disney World employee referred to my eight year old son Timmy as a “A Junior Klansman.” Their hateful, hurtful, untrue words upset Timmy so much that he began weeping uncontrollably. 

This seemed to delight the “woke” sadists who now rule what used to be the happiest place on earth with an iron fist. Instead of apologizing for making my little boy feel bad they cackled maniacally and insisted that these days Disney World doesn’t run on electricity or dreams but rather “white tears.”

They then started chanting “Cry, Cracker, Cry!”, which made him feel even worse. I would never use racial slurs against black people unless I was very frustrated, but the park workers very loudly referred to me and my family as “Crackers”, “Whitey”, “Honkeys”, “Ofay” and “Inbred Hillbilly Redneck Cousin-Fucking Racist Nazi Pieces of Shit.” 

That last one seemed particularly mean and unfair. 

On our way out, poor Timmy was stabbed with a pen knife by someone dressed up like Pluto. When I foolishly complained to a park employee they rolled their eyes and insisted that whatever pain my child might be experiencing at the moment was nothing compared to the pain that the average slave felt on a daily basis. 

That is undoubtedly true but I’m not sure what it had to do with anything. 

We were also told repeatedly that “Mickey Mouse owned slaves” which was disturbing but also very confusing, as he is a fictional mouse.

I come to Disney World to have fun with my family and forget the tension, pressure and anxiety of the outside world, not to be confronted about my complicity in a system built on white supremacy by a gaggle of Marxist radicals in Minnie Mouse and Donald Duck costumes. 

Will I go back to Disney World? Of course. My family and myself were all deeply traumatized by our last trip but it will take more than intense verbal and psychological abuse to keep us away a place as special as Disney World. 

So I’m going to give Disney World three or four more chances and if things don’t change by that point then I’m afraid I will have no choice but to become a former patron and write a VERY negative Yelp review. 

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