Oh, the Wonderful Things You Can Do While Being Scared Shitless the Whole Time!

Oh, the Places You’ll Go as a graduation gift? Seems crazy to me but there are worse ideas, I suppose

I am, by nature, a fearful person. Life scares me. I’m deeply afraid of just about everything. I’m afraid of failure but I’m also afraid of success. Unstructured social interaction terrifies me more than any mummy, Frankenstein’s Monster or ghoul but for good measure I’m scared of monsters as well even though I’m mostly convinced that they’re not real. 

I hate being afraid. It’s no way to go through life. I wish that I could view the process of learning how to drive at forty-five as a wonderful adventure but the sad truth of the matter is that it scares the living shit out of me.

As far back as I can remember I have been scared. When I was a child I was terrified of other children and adults as well. I couldn’t begin to fathom the ease and confidence with which some of my classmates carried themselves. 

How could they just glide through life without a care in the world? Didn’t they realize how terrifying everything was? How could they just talk to other people as if it weren’t a big deal? 

If I could snap my fingers and make the free-floating, pervasive fear and anxiety vibrating inside me at all times disappear I would do so but unfortunately that’s just not possible. 

In my many moments of fear and self-doubt I wonder how in the hell I am ever going to accomplish anything when I’m so deeply scared of so much. 

I’ve ALWAYS been scared. I’ve always been anxious, stressed out and unsure of myself. That might have something to do with being abandoned by my mother as an infant. That’ll fuck your shit up but good, long into adulthood.

It’s not as if I alternate between periods of intense self-assurance and self-doubt. 

No, I’m pretty much always wrestling with self-doubt. But when I look back at my life and my career it’s filled with things that fill me with pride. 

I’m not even halfway done with my career, god willing, yet I can nevertheless look back at my twenty-four years in the business and think, “You did it, you crazy bastard. You really did it.” 

This crazy fucking book? I did it.

Being able to write professionally for just under a quarter century is an achievement in itself. But I’m also proud of every last book I’ve ever written. 

I got to write books! I GET to write books! And not just any books! I’ve been blessed to be able to write books that have made a cultural impact, like You Don’t Know Me But You Don’t Like Me and The Weird Accordion to Al. 

That is a goddamn blessing. The me that wrote all of those books and did all of that research was the same me that’s terrified of human interaction and convinced that everything I do is doomed to fail. 

I pushed through the fear, self-doubt and anxiety and accomplished more than I ever imagined possible despite living in a constant state of low-level dread. 

You can accomplish great things while doubting yourself. You can change the world while feeling so depressed that you don’t think you’ll even be able to get out of bed. 

I have not let being a fearful, anxious coward keep me from living, if not my best life, then a very good one and one that I am tremendously and deservedly proud of. You shouldn’t either. 

You can do it even if you don’t think you can. Life’s funny that way. 

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