The De-Sexification of the Green M&M Represents Everything That's Wrong with the World
For a long time, before finishing work creating an attractive new female character, admen, cartoonists, writers, animators and other creative folks would ask themselves the all-important question: is this fictional woman so fucking hot that the mere sight of her will cause a heterosexual white man with boring, generic sexual tastes to whip out his penis and beat it like a misbehaving mule?
If the character in question did not, in fact, inspire feverish lust in boring straight dudes, then they were adjusted to be sexier and more fuckable. They were given larger breasts, longer eyelashes, hotter legs and more curvaceous behinds. Everyone was happy.
It was, to be honest, a perfect system and an inclusive one as well. After all, these characters didn’t just appeal to heterosexual white men: they appealed to EVERYONE as long as they had the sexual tastes of the people in power.
That, tragically, has changed over the past few years. The “Woke” crowd has meddled with the primal forces of nature and I won’t have it!
Instead of asking themselves, “Is this anthropomorphic talking chocolate candy, video game heroine or basketball-playing rabbit as bangable as they can possibly be? Are men gonna wanna either fuck the shit out of this character or masturbate wildly to its image?” creative folks are instead asking disturbing, wrong questions that, if followed to their logical conclusion, could very well lead to the end of western civilization, if not humanity as a whole.
Because they’ve been brainwashed by feminists into thinking about the needs and concerns of people other than straight white men, creators are now asking bizarre, nonsensical queries like, “Does this anthropomorphic talking chocolate candy, video game heroine or basketball-playing rabbit have to be so sexy? Does it really serve any purpose beyond making straight white men horny?” as if making straight white men horny was not the literal point of human civilization.
We all know and love video game heroine Lara Croft for a very good reason: she has disproportionately large breasts, a tiny waste and a shapely derriere and consequently made dudes want to jack off to her image to the point of exhaustion.
The character was adapted for the big screen with Angelina Jolie as the lead by filmmakers who understood the importance of casting a sex symbol with enormous knockers.
That’s why the Angelina Jolie Tomb Raider was a smash hit everybody loved.
In 2018, however, tragedy struck when the film was rebooted with Alicia Vikander, an actress lacking the porn star boobs fans of the series angrily demand.
This insult to men and God and God, who is a man, was followed by the monsters behind Space Jam: A New Legacy bringing back Lola Bunny, who previously helped usher multiple generations of horny straight white boys into the firestorm of adolescence with her sweet-ass curves and intense bangability.
But as with the new Lara Croft, the demented man-haters behind the reboot inexplicably and disastrously chose to make the character less sexy, no doubt to appeal to Gloria Steinem and Andrea Dworkin or something.
I was outraged and disgusted. I literally threw up when I saw the new Lola and realized that I wouldn’t be able to jack off to her image.
Just when you think things couldn’t possibly get worse, the ghouls behind M&M commercials went and made the Green M&M lady at least seventy-five percent less fuckable.
For me, the Green M&M lady wasn’t sexy enough to begin with. If they really wanted to make her a good character people would like they would have given her massive bazongas, an ass that won’t quit and impossibly long legs.
THAT would be a character worth fetishizing sexually and lusting after. I should know. I drew the Green M&Ms lady with those proportions and have pleasured myself to it six or seven times just today.
But instead of making the Green M&M more sexy, those evil, sex-hating fucks made her less sexy, even frumpy.
This is the last straw. We must angrily demand that every female character in pop culture be a sex goddess.
Nothing less than the future of humanity is at stake.
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