Happy First Gotcha Day to Simon Champion Unforgettable Dare to Dream, the Greatest Animal of All Time

When I look back at the flaming wreckage that is my life I am amazed by the astonishing number of things that had to go right just for me to barely get by. 

I have had so much luck and good fortune over the course of my life and my career. I sometimes wonder where I would be if I hadn’t caught so many crucial breaks. 

Where would I be, for example, if “Weird Al” Yankovic had never sent me a Tweet back in 2011 asking me to tell his life story in coffee table book form? I definitely would not have gone on to write The Weird Accordion to Al column or book or The Weird A-Coloring to Al. 

My life and career similarly would be in a very different place if I didn’t work at a video store in Madison with a future editor of The A.V. Club who gave me a huge break at a time when I didn’t really deserve it. 

And of course I wouldn’t be where I am now if I hadn’t scored a one hundred thousand dollar advance for my 2009 debut The Big Rewind and written two more books for Scribner: My Year of Flops and You Don’t Know Me But You Don’t Like Me. 

All of those huge professional breaks happened a long, long time ago, however. 

I caught a much bigger, much more important break about ten and a half months ago. 

I was walking my new dog Champion in the pounding rain and he got off the chain and ran off into the night. I tried desperately to catch up with him but he was running with a speed and a ferocity that I could not hope to hope to match.

Then, to make things even more comically terrible I lost my glasses in the mad scramble and, for a horrifying two or three minutes, was without my glasses or my dog.

It was utterly fucking terrifying. It’s no exaggeration to say that it was literally one of the worst thing that’s ever happened to me and I’ve had my share! You don’t “get” to write multiple memoirs about your battles with mental illness by not being mentally ill. 

I will never forget calling my wife and telling her, that in quite possibly the biggest fuck up in a lifetime full of them, I had lost our beloved, tiny new dog in a hellacious thunderstorm. 

Bear in mind that Champion weighs about six pounds and is the roughly the same brown color as the ground. Also, there are very few street lights in my suburb and Champion did not have a dog tag. So if someone DID find him they would have no way of knowing how to contact us or where to return him. 

It seemed hopeless. I went out looking that night for hours but found only darkness and despair. I went home and joined NextDoor and wrote a post about how I had lost my dog and was desperate to get him back. 

I barely tolerate NextDoor these days but the morning after I lost Champion it did exactly what it’s supposed to do. At eleven o’ clock or so I got a call from a stranger asking if I was looking for a tiny little dog in a blue vest and I was so happy I literally jumped for joy. 

There was a little drama in getting him back because he kept resisting attempts to pick him up. He’s very skittish, particularly around strangers and children. 

Nevertheless, twelve hours after I lost Champion, seemingly for good, we got him back. 

My wife and myself were already absolutely obsessed with Champion. He is ridiculously cute and incredibly sweet and affectionate. 

He’s honestly responsible for about thirty to forty percent of my happiness on any given day and when you’re a depressive like me and happiness is hard to come by and hold onto, you learn to treasure the things in your life that gives you joy. 

That’s Champion. Champion makes me happy. Champion fills my days with joy. Champion sleeps on my chest and snores adorably while I watch movies for work on my bed. He is my constant companion and best friend. 

And I came so close to losing him. Getting Champion back is the kind of thing that makes you want to believe in God despite ample evidence to the contrary. 

I am not a religious man but I asked the Lord for help during that awful night and thanked him profusely when we got Champ back. 

It has been exactly one year since my wife and my family drove to a small town in Alabama to pick up a former show dog with the ridiculous name of Simon Champion Unforgettable Dare to Dream. Needless to say, we shortened it.

So happy first anniversary Champion. Happy Gotcha Day. We love you more than you will ever know and appreciate in a way we never could have if we hadn’t lost you at one point. 

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