The Value of Autographs

When I was a child and teenager I was a huge sports fan. HUGE. Sports fandom was my life. I vividly remember leaving a Milwaukee Brewers game sobbing uncontrollably as a kid. That's how unhealthily invested I was in the actions of millionaire strangers. 

When I lived in a group home as a teen sports were my life. I was fortunate enough to live in Chicago when Michael Jordan and, to a lesser extent, Scottie Pippen, won five championships.

It felt weird and wrong for a Chicago sports team to do so well. Chicago teams weren’t supposed to win championships. They were suppose to frustrate their fans by NEVER winning the World Series. 

That was the appeal of the Chicago Cubs. People loved them because they were a shitty team that would never win the World Series. The same was true of the Chicago White so when both teams won the World Series it felt like a glitch in the matrix. 

I didn’t just go to Sox Fest, the annual fan convention of my favorite baseball team. I went to Cubs Fest as well and I didn’t even like the Chicago Cubs. 

But I could not turn down the opportunity to spend long, long hours in lines so that I could get the autographs of baseball players. 

I lived vicariously through my favorite athletes as a kid. I might have been awkward and painfully shy and self-conscious but watching Michael Jordan play I got a tiny but irresistible sense of what it might feel like to be the best in the world at what you do. I was able to harness some of that mastery just by being a fan. 

I collected autographs because it was a way to have a little piece of the athletes I revered. It was a way of getting closer to my idols. I was willing to wait hours for the seconds when I’d have Frank Thomas or Bo Jackson all to myself. 

I stopped caring about sports when I moved to Madison for college, I lost my virginity and starting drinking and smoking pot. I didn’t need the escape of sports fandom anymore. I had discovered less healthy but more personal forms of escape. 

I stopped collecting the autographs of athletes because I was no longer even a casual sports fan.

I stopped actively collecting autographs but that impulse never left me. 

This last Wednesday, for example, I went with my eight year old son Declan to see a Q&A at the Center for Puppetry Arts with Dave Goelz, the legendary puppeteer behind Gonzo, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Waldorf, Zoot and various other puppety oddballs. 

I want to do everything I can to support my son’s creativity and wanted to see what Goelz had to say but I also REALLY wanted Goelz’s autograph. 

I’m in legitimate awe of the original Sesame Street and The Muppets puppeteers. I wish that I had gone to Dragon Con when Carroll Spinney was a guest because I had a VERY strong hunch that time was running out for me to get his autograph, take a picture or shake his hand and thank him for his life’s work. 

I was right. In 2019 Spinney died at eighty-five, about a year after his retirement. 

I hope Goelz lives to be one hundred and twenty years old. In the weeks leading up to the event at the Center for Puppetry Arts I scoured the internet for something Gonzo-related I could bring to the chat and have him autograph. 

I never did find anything appropriate. I had serious FOMO so I was weirdly relieved when Goelz said that he wouldn’t signing autographs or taking any pictures because of COVID. He also couldn’t talk about movies or television shows because of the strikes, which made things a little tricky.

I habitually look at the roster for Dragon Con to see if there’s anyone interesting but I have never paid for an autograph at a convention. 

That does not mean that I am no longer interested in autographs. 

I’m in the autograph business. If you buy anything from my store it comes autographed by myself and my illustrator Felipe Sobreiro. Though I do not sell a huge amount of books I sign a lot of autographs. 

I am flattered that anyone would even want my autograph because I am not famous. I don’t even consider myself a success at this point in my life but I write books and I sign autographs and that’s incredible validation that, to be honest, I need right now. 

I’m a weird cult writer. Thankfully there are people interested in weirdos like me. I understand. I would much rather have Dick Miller’s autograph or the guy who plays Snuffy on Sesame Street than the signature of Ryan Reynolds. 

As you you might imagine, my walls are covered with items autographed by "Weird Al" Yankovic, most notably framed autographed copies of the covers of all the books I’ve written about him. 

I’d like to think that when I die, hundreds of years from now, after somehow becoming the richest and most successful man in the world, I’ll leave my autograph collection to people for whom it will also be special. 

Of course if you buy a book from my store you get much more than a book and a signature. If you go with my “Joy of Positivity 3: Can’t Stop Won’t Stop” option (which no one has, incidentally) you get a hardcover copy of The Joy of Trash autographed by Felipe and myself, numbered (to 50) with a hand-written recommendation for something as good as the stuff I write about in The Joy of Trash is god-awful. Then I handwrite your address and my address on a package, take that package to the post office and send it to you. I stop just short of hand-delivering each copy, then sending a follow-up email to see what you think of your purchase.

Why? Because I have to. Nobody, unfortunately, signs up for the option that doesn’t involve me doing substantial extra work. 

I’d like to think that my signature has value, just as I like to think that my life's work has value. That value has nothing to do with money and everything to do with the personal connection I’ve made with every last one of you. 

Pre-order The Fractured Mirror, my next book, a massive, 600 page exploration of the long and distinguished history of American movies about the film industry at https://the-fractured-mirror.backerkit.com/hosted_preorders

Check out The Joy of Trash: Flaming Garbage Fire Extended Edition at https://www.nathanrabin.com/shop and get a free, signed "Weird Al” Yankovic-themed coloring book for free! Just 18.75, shipping and taxes included! Or, for just 25 dollars, you can get a hardcover “Joy of Positivity 3: Can’t Stop Won’t Stop” edition signed (by Felipe and myself) and numbered (to 50) copy with a hand-written recommendation from me within its pages. It’s truly a one-of-a-kind collectible!

I’ve also written multiple versions of my many books about “Weird Al” Yankovic that you can buy here:  https://www.nathanrabin.com/shop 

Or you can buy The Joy of Trash from Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Trash-Nathan-Definitive-Everything/dp/B09NR9NTB4/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr= but why would you want to do that? 

Check out my new Substack at https://nathanrabin.substack.com/

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