If the Elections Were So "Fair" and "Honest" Then How Could Trump Have Lost?

Let’s face it: our electoral system is hopelessly broken. If it was not, then how could a figure as popular and God-like as Donald Trump possibly have been defeated? I mean, have you SEEN the crowds at his 2020 rallies? They were so packed with cultists not wearing masks or practicing social distancing that people were LITERALLY dying to get in. Then, a few weeks later, Trump super-fans were literally dying BECAUSE they got into a super-spreader event like a Trump 2020 campaign rally and contracted COVID-19 in the process and died a horrible, lonely death afterwards. But it was worth it, because they got to chant various xenophobic slogans alongside other red-hatted mavericks willing to risk their lives to help feed Donald Trump’s enormous ego and insatiable need for attention. 

Who are we supposed to believe is the more popular/elected figure, a crazed narcissist who holds deadly rallies that endanger the lives of his most devoted voters, particularly the elderly, or some lame-o who refrained from holding massive rallies out of a cowardly, pathetic desire not to kill people unnecessarily? 

If you place a photograph of a packed Trump campaign rally alongside one of a Biden non-rally it becomes achingly apparent who the more popular figure is: the one with the big rallies, not the loser who isn’t even holding rallies because of an unprecedented health crisis. 

Voting and elections are clearly a TERRIBLE way for the American people to re-elect a leader who is Donald Trump. With that in mind, here are some suggestions as to how we could casually re-vamp our electoral system to ensure Trump victories in the future. Instead of relying on sad, outdated ways to measure a politician’s worthiness for office like voting and the electoral college let’s use the following factors to determine the winner in presidential elections: 

I wanna party with this guy!

*Campaign rally size: Have you seen the way Trump packed ‘em in during his rallies?!? They were YUGE! When they weren’t huge, that’s because the Democrats were cheating. Advantage: TRUMP.

Twitter: Biden probably doesn’t even know what Twitter is but Trump tweets and re-tweets dozens of times a day, almost as if it is an unhealthy, pathological compulsion. Advantage: TRUMP. 

Popularity among boaters: The opinions of boaters should count more than those of other people because they’re rich enough to buy boats and consequently are job creators and patriots. People who are wealthy and tacky enough to own boats OVERWHELMINGLY supported Trump. You should have seen all those big, beautiful armadas with Trump flags everywhere! The best Biden could manage was a sad little sticker on the side of a solitary rowboat. Yet you’re telling me the candidate that absolutely KILLED with the all-important demographic of yacht owners somehow lost the general election? C’mon, man! Nobody is buying that! Advantage: TRUMP. 

Fox and Friends: In a world of fake news and Soros-funded far-left propaganda, Fox and Friends is unafraid to speak the profound truth that everything Donald Trump does is wonderful and his enemies are all corrupt Communists. Consequently they should play a central role in determining the outcome of the 2020 presidential election. Advantage: TRUMP 

Eric Trump: Are we really supposed to favor the opinions of millions of non-boat-owning, non-campaign-rally-attending Biden “voters” over someone like Eric Trump, who has killed animals with guns, attended multiple massive campaign rallies and began life inside the testicles of an American president? Advantage: TRUMP

Donald Trump: You’re telling me that Donald Trump is the most powerful person in the world yet somehow does not have the power to declare himself the winner of a presidential election? 

Trump has repeatedly proclaimed himself the winner of the 2020 presidential election on Twitter and in press conferences in addition to re-tweeting respectable citizens/Twitter denizens like Randy Quaid and Catturd2 (not real name) also confidently asserting that Trump not only won, but won in a historic landslide, only to have that stunning, decisive victory ripped away by vote-stealers and star whackers. THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH! If Trump says he won, then that’s good enough for me. It should be good enough for the American people as well. Advantage: TRUMP. 

Unless we change our electoral system into one inherently biased towards Donald Trump we run the awful risk that that should Trump run again he won’t automatically win and I don’t think we, as a nation, can risk letting that happen again.

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