I Used to Hate Donald Trump But Then I Discovered The Apprentice!
As readers of this blog are perhaps aware, I have not historically been the biggest fan of former president Donald Trump. Since The Big Whoop’s humble beginnings in April of 2017, I’ve written a few blog posts critical of Trump and his administration. Or maybe I’ve written several HUNDRED posts critical of Trump, his cult and his establishment enablers. It can be hard to keep track these days.
I’ve criticized Trump for being a deranged narcissist whose childish refusal to be a good role model and wear a mask or be honest about the danger of COVID 19 is probably responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of his followers.
I’ve depicted Trump as a racist sociopath whose blatant appeals to xenophobia, homophobia, Islamophobia and transphobia have debased our country and our culture on a daily basis.
When Trump was defeated by Joe Biden in the 2020 presidential election, thanks in no small part to my home state of Georgia, I literally danced in the streets with joy alongside other revelers similarly ecstatic that the long national nightmare that was the Trump presidency was finally over.
the cast of my all-time favorite show.
You don’t do that unless you really hate somebody and I deeply hate Donald Trump.
Or at least I used to hate Donald Trump. Then I decided that maybe I wasn’t giving him a chance. Oh sure, I read The Art of the Deal and found it to be a loathsome, deeply tedious, more or less unreadable exercise in crazed narcissism violently divorced from self-consciousness and self-awareness, not to mention reality. And I watched in open-mouthed horror as Trump’s presidency continually hit new, horrifying nadirs.
But Trump didn’t become president because he was “smart” or “qualified” or “knew what he was doing” or “knew how to write a good book, or even how to read.” No, Donald Trump was elected president because he was the host of a hit television show called The Apprentice.
I decided that I would watch The Apprentice in order to be able to more accurately gauge Trump’s value as a cultural figure and human being. Ten minutes in I had made an incredible, dramatic and permanent transformation from hater to lover, from harsh critic to super-fan.
I had foolishly allowed myself to think Trump wasn’t a great business man just because many, if not most of his businesses have failed or been forced to declare bankruptcy and he famously got out of paying taxes for much of the past decade by taking huge deductions for massive losses.
I couldn’t have been more wrong! It turns out that Trump is a great golden God of business whose mentorship and wise counsel is worth more than all the money in the world.
The Apprentice and The Celebrity Apprentice depict Trump not as the lamestream FAKE NEWS media have chosen to slander him but rather as he truly is: a hard-working business genius with unerring instincts and a tight-knit family who shares his values of honesty, loyalty and strength.
Trump isn’t just a man who has empowered white supremacists like no other public figure in recent memory: he’s also THE BOSS, THE DONALD and the most electric television performer since John Belushi’s heyday.
I somehow allowed myself to think that Donald Jr. and Eric Trump were dead-eyed sociopaths who owed everything to beginning life inside the testicles of a hateful, unhinged monster of id and ego. I was wrong! The Apprentice taught me that they’re actually both dynamic, confident heirs to the throne.
How could they be anything other than kings? After all, they’re Donald Trump’s natural apprentices. Donald Jr. and Eric and Ivanka function as living illustrations that working under Donald Trump makes you something better than human.
As a boss and mentor, Donald Trump is like a diamond thief with a hole in his pocket: he’s constantly dropping jewels!
I can’t even imagine how incredible, educational, edifying and life-enriching it must be to work alongside Donald Trump and hear him tell long, dense, complicated stories about the life he has led and the wisdom he picked up along the way.
I would learn so much from that man! If Trump’s time in office taught us anything, it’s that he is an unfailingly loyal guru with much wisdom to dispense.
If I competed on The Apprentice I would win because I would be in it for the right reasons and also my heart is pure.
From the beginning, I would set myself apart from other competitors by very dramatically proclaiming that I was there to win, not to make friends.
Trump would be blown away by my take-no-prisoners, dog eat dog approach to his sacred game. All my other cast-mates would be gushing about how they were there to make friends, and didn’t care whether or not they won and then BOOM, I’d say the exact opposite.
When I won the ultimate prize of getting to work for Donald Trump, to sit reverently at his feet and learn from him, I would insist on not getting paid for the first ten years. Instead of getting paid in cash, I would be paid in something infinitely more valuable: access to Donald Trump’s beautiful mind and all of the brain treasures it contains.
Then, if Trump was happy with my performance after that first trial decade he could pay me whatever he wanted. By that point I would already be a billionaire thanks to everything I learned from my mentor/boss/new father.
No amount of money is commensurate with the value of having a personal and professional relationship with Donald Trump.
As for politics, let’s just say that I wouldn’t mind recycling a beloved catch-phrase from The Apprentice and tell “Sleepy Joe”, “you’re fired!”
MAGA!
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