I Went to the Good Burger Pop Up Event at Arby's and All I Got Was This Stupid Blog Post

Because I am a ridiculous human being, I have long been fascinated by the existence and popularity of pop-up establishments that appear briefly and then disappear forever, like a contemporary Brigadoon. 

So when I discovered that an Arby’s in my neighborhood would become a pop up version of Good Burger for one magical day and night in order to promote the release of Good Burger 2 I was way more excited than a forty-seven year old husband and father should be. 

My wife thought that I was setting myself up for disappointment by expecting anything from a promotional tie-in to a direct-to-streaming sequel to a twenty-six year comedy. 

I didn’t think I expected too much. All I wanted from the event was a transcendent experience that I would remember until my dying day. 

So after I went to my 9 year old son’s school for a Thanksgiving “feast” that I wouldn’t feed to a dog with terrible taste in food my wife drove me to the Arby’s where the magic was happening. 

At first I worried that I had gone to the wrong fast food establishment since nothing about the front of the store indicated that this was anything other than a regular Arby’s. Just when I thought my dreams of visiting a Good Burger pop up at Arby’s were doomed to go unfulfilled we pulled up and saw that at least one side of this Arby’s had been transformed into a faux-Good Burger for eight crazy hours. 

The fun and frivolity began when I was invited to have my picture taken behind the wheel of the Good Burgermobile, which was apparently a thing in the first movie. Or maybe something specific to the new one? I watched and wrote about Good Burger for my ill-fated Rotten Tomatoes column Sub-Cult and vaguely remember enjoying it but that’s all I remember. 

“Be careful. The car is made out of foam” an Arby’s employee told me before a photo was snapped. The car faced the sun, which was shining brightly so I blinked the exact moment the picture was taken. 

“I think I blinked. Can I take the picture over again?” I asked a photographer on what I imagine was the happiest day of his life. “Yeah, I guess so” he said. I blinked in the second picture as well but something told me that he would not like it I pulled a Kubrick and had my photograph taken in the GoodBurger Mobile until I found one that met my exacting specifications. 

The next attraction was a Good Burger themed Plinko game  with three prizes: a Good Burger bag, a Good Burger keychain and a Good Burger pin. I dropped my ball down and won the pin. 

The pin is nifty but I am a keychain guy, in the sense that I always want a new keychain because I keep losing them. I’m not going to lie: there was part of me that wanted that Good Burger promotional keychain so badly that I was tempted to steal it.

I didn’t for two reasons. The first is that I am a father and I want to set a good example for my sons. I can’t be a dirtbag the way I was before I got married and had children. That degenerate would think NOTHING of purloining a Good Burger promotional keychain worth anywhere from seventy five to ninety five cents. 

The second reason I did not steal the keychain is because I did not want to go to jail. There were multiple security guards at the Arby’s that afternoon, presumably to prevent a Good Burger 2 inspired riot, so I could very well have gotten caught. 

Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be to go to jail for stealing a Good Burger 2 keychain from Arby’s? Alas, it would be sadly on brand for me these days. People would hear that I had gotten arrested at Arby’s and think, “Yeah, that tracks.” 

Dignity. Always Dignity.

So I made the difficult but ultimately correct decision to not steal from Arby’s. Call me a hero if you must. Call me a hero. You must. 

Then it was time to eat. I ordered the Good Burger 2 meal because that’s what you do at the Good Burger pop up at Arby’s. At the risk of being harsh, the burger was NOT good. Also, why is Arby’s serving burgers? That doesn’t make sense. They should stick to roast beef. 

They also should not serve anything other than Curly fries. I don’t want to seem old and cranky but nothing should ever change and everything should be exactly like it was when I was a child. 

Crinkle cut fries came with my meal. They fucking sucked. I hurled them into the trash with a dramatic flourish. The only part of my meal I enjoyed was the strawberry milkshake because it is impossible to screw up a milkshake. It’s just ice cream, milk and some stirring. 

I left the Good Burger hungry but otherwise satisfied. I had no real urge to actually see Good Burger 2 but I will cherish my pin forever. I might not have left with a keychain but I left with memories that will last a lifetime, and that is almost as good. 

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