Yesterday Was Rough
April is a big month for me. It’s the month I was born, the month this site began, the month I was laid off from The Dissolve, and the month my old employer, The A.V. Club, killed My World of Flops.
It’s a tough month for me. I have far more negative associations with April than positive ones. In my bleak world, at least, April seems to be a time when I brace myself for life’s crushing blows.
Sometimes, the punches come from directions I was not expecting, and I am blindsided as well as dejected.
That happened to me this afternoon. For the past six or seven months or so, I have been working with a producer on a podcast tied to The Fractured Mirror, my epic upcoming book about American movies about the film industry.
It involved spending more money on podcasting equipment than ever before. At the producer’s behest I bought something like twenty-seven different componenents that cost about eight hundred dollars.
I have no money in savings and massive debt. So, that eight hundred dollars represents a sizable investment. But that’s how I saw it: as an investment in myself and my future. I know that I am not the best bet these days, but I hold out hope all the same.
We had, I believe, two Zoom calls to try to set up my equipment. I thought they went okay, particularly as dealing with technical issues/computers/new projects fills me with anxiety. I’m autistic and have ADHD, so it doesn’t take much to make me confused and overwhelmed.
I thought things were going slowly but otherwise okay until I got an email from the producer saying that he was dropping out of the project. He said that he knew that I would have difficulty with technology, but he didn’t realize just how much difficulty I would have.
It was a punch in the gut. My birthday had not gotten off to a promising start. Then came a blow from an unexpected direction. I was dispirited. I was despondent. My birthday was ruined.
It was the latest in a series of setbacks that, over time, have developed a terrible cumulative momentum. I was bummed because I was really excited about launching the Fractured Mirror podcast and had already lined up something like a dozen amazing guests discussing amazing films. I was also bummed because I had spent a small fortune on equipment I don’t know how to use.
I don’t want to give up on the Fractured Mirror podcast because its initial producer bowed out at the worst possible time. So I was hoping that someone reading this lives in the Atlanta area, is a fan of my work, can handle the technical aspects of podcasting and would be excited to work on a project like this with me.
If that’s you, please email me at nathanrabin@sbcglobal.net or nathanrabinauthor@gmail.com
I could not be more excited about The Fractured Mirror, which is 99.7 percent done and see a Fractured Mirror podcast as a wonderdful way to draw attention to it. Also, I’m autistic and have difficulty making and sustaining friendships and have found that podcasting is a great way to meet like-minded people.
Yesterday sucked. I was crushed. But today is another day. The Fractured Mirrror podcast lives on, if only because I REALLY cannot afford to waste all the money I spent on podcasting equipment.
If you’re a fan of my podcasting, you should be excited that I will be doing a whole lot more of it in the very near future, thankfully and YOU could be its producer. Or engineer. Or co-host.Or wacky sidekick. Or patron. Or financier.
I just know that I need help, in general and with this podcast in particular because I cannot do this by myself and I relish the opportunity to collaborate with other human beings.
Hopefully this will be just a bump in the road and not the death of another promising idea.
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