Hilary Clinton's Ugly Mug
For Hlilary Clinton, Donald Trump being found guilty of thirty-four felonies should have been a moment of supreme triumph. A man who made calls for Hilary Clinton’s arrest and imprisonment a staple of his campaign rallies because she might have done something with emails and bleach (Trump never bothers with details, only the broad strokes) had become the first ever president to be convicted of a felony.
Trump wasn’t just convicted of one felony, of course. He was convicted of thirty-four. THIRTY FOUR! That’s a lot. That’s DOZENS of felonies a wannabe dictator who fancies himself the human personification of law and order was found guilty of in a court of law.
Clinton could be excused for gloating. A man who broadcast his highly gendered hatred of her and her husband (who Trump insisted said things much filthier than “‘grab 'em by the pussy” on the golf course) was finally being held responsible for his seemingly infinite number of crimes, legal and moral.
It’s easy to forget, but Trump’s response to the release of Access Hollywood, which should have ended his career in a world that was not insane and wrong, was twofold. He said it was just harmless locker room talk every man in the world engaged in constantly and that that pervert Bill Clinton is guilty of much worse transgressions than him.
Here’s the thing. The Access Hollywood tapes became a thing because they were incontrovertible evidence that Trump was slightly more disgusting and repellent than we all thought.
Bill Clinton is a sleazy piece of shit, but there is zero concrete evidence of his golf course potty mouth, and Trump has every reason in the world to lie about his opponent’s husband uttering words that make “grab em by the pussy” seem like a feminist slogan by comparison. Trump conveniently doesn’t say what the offending words are, so we are invited to use our imaginations.
Yet it worked. The evangelicals’ unanimous choice survived the release of the Access Hollywood tapes and was elected president over Hilary Clinton.
I can only imagine how humiliating Clinton’s loss must have been. It would be one thing to lose an election to someone like a reasonable grown-up like John McCain or Mitt Romney. It was quite another to see your lifelong ambition to become the first female American president go down in flames because of a vulgar carny with the mind of a hateful, impatient child and a bottomless capacity for hate.
This brings us to yesterday. It was a historic day, and I had no doubt that Clinton would fail to rise to the occasion. I was not disappointed.
In the aftermath of her hated rival’s latest public humiliation, Clinton went full “Pokemon Go to the Polls!” and responded to Trump’s felony convictions by releasing the ugliest mug in human history.
For reasons I cannot begin to fathom it combines the nightmare-inducing image of the outline of a faceless, hellspawn Hilary Clinton (or Aileen Wurnos, or Donald Trump in drag, it’s hard to tell) sipping tea accompanied by the words, “Turns Out She Was Right About Everything” in the world’s ugliest font.
These words are not in a straight line but rather in a strangely circular pattern that adds to the hideousness of this uniquely regrettable bit of merch.
Also, you don’t have to be Nostradamus to predict that Donald Trump would not do a great job as president. And I don’t know what else Clinton was right about. Also, Clinton is never mentioned by name, which makes the whole thing both smug and confusing.
It’s impressive what a nightmare this twenty-two-dollar mug is.
It’s bad enough to make you almost feel bad for Donald Trump, and that man is, objectively, the fucking worst.
Hilary Clinton tried to warn us in 2016. Why didn’t we listen to her? She was right about everything.
Nathan needs teeth that work, and his dental plan doesn't cover them, so he started a GoFundMe at https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-nathans-journey-to-dental-implants. Give if you can!
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