I Constantly Apologize to My Friend and Ally Donald Trump. This is My Story

If you’ve been following President Trump’s Twitter account you’ve probably noticed that he likes to talk about being so viciously and transparently mistreated by the media, particularly the New York Times, that even members of the media, who Trump has repeatedly called the enemy of the people, have apologized to the President on its behalf. 

That might seem a little strange to you. Why is Donald Trump in regular communication with people he sees as his enemies? And if these people are, indeed, Trump’s enemies (being members of the media and all), and disagree with him, his policies and his worldview, then why are they apologizing to him on behalf of news organizations that have done him wrong and siding with him against their own allies? 

Well, I am, curiously enough, one of the people Trump considers his enemy, and whose second-hand apologies he’s bragging about on social media, so I’m in as good a position as any to explain the situation. 

I will be the first to admit that by almost any definition or criteria other than Trump’s own, I am not an enemy of the President of the United States. Though I voted for a Democrat or two in the 1990s, I’m a pretty staunch Republican who runs a right-wing website that praises Trump extensively. Hell, I even donated money to Trump’s Presidential campaign, albeit more for pragmatic business reasons than any real enthusiasm for him politically. 

We’ve done business together for decades and I know how much Trump loves having his ego massaged. I think it probably all began about five years ago, when we were playing golf and he said to me, out of nowhere, “I’m so trustworthy that even you, one of my biggest enemies, love doing business with me and considers me, really, the best when it comes to morals and ethics.” 

At first I was a little confused and even hurt, but then I figured out that it’d be a real boost to Trump's confidence if he thought even his enemies loved him, and wanted to work with him, and obviously his enemies despise him, so he drafted me into the role of his enemy that afternoon and I’ve stayed there ever since. 

Trump has a real fetish for people “apologizing” to him for various reasons. He loves the idea that he’s owed apologies by a broad cross section of the American people, and it has fallen upon me to apologize over and over again for the many figures Trump thinks have fucked him over. 

It got weirder and more intense during the Presidential campaign. His neediness just went through the roof. Every week he’d call me and complain that The New York Time said this, and Rachel Maddow said that, and Anderson Cooper is a rat. I’d jot down everybody he mentioned and then call him back the next day and apologize on their behalf. 

You’d think it’d be an empty endeavor but he really seems to get off on it. There will be weeks when I will be “apologizing” to him on ten people or institutions’ behalf. It might start with me meekly apologizing for the entire NFL, then move on to CNN and The New York Times and Don Lemon. 

Speaking of Lemon, there are times when Trump will “hint” that he’d like apologies for anywhere from five to seven prominent black people he also considers his enemies. I expect people like Colin Kaepernick, Lebron James and Maxine Waters, but sometimes he’ll have me apologize for someone like Nipsy Russell, who died in 2005, and who apparently Trump just found annoying. In cases like that, I don’t even know what to say, so I’ll just ad-lib something like, “Mr. President, Russell is so terrible and bad with the failing ratings that even I, your enemy and a Progressive, feel the need to apologize to you for him.” 

He likes it when I really play up my faux-Lefty credentials. Sometimes I’ll preface my “apologies” by saying, “As a Bernie Sanders supporter and your longtime enemy, even I have to concede that you’re absolutely right about everything and apologize on behalf of all of your non-supporters”, or “As a Democratic Socialist and your sworn enemy, I must apologize for…”

Honestly, there’s an element of role play to the whole thing. It’s silly, but I benefit from having a close personal and business relationship with my “enemy”, who just so happens to be the President of the United States, and he clearly gets something out of it as well. 

With enemies like me, who needs friends? 

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